Written by Katie on December 6, 2021

Being in a Difficult Marriage, is this God’s Will for Me? Maybe I married a narcissist?

(Please read Romans 12)

( I want to make it very, very, very clear that there are people who are evil and set on doing evil, and no matter how much you love them you can not trust them or remain living with them, a true narcissist is incapable of change, because he does not desire to change. It is ok to leave these people, and separate from them. I am NOT giving psychological advice, rather Biblical insight into marriage. )

Marriage is Hard Work!

If anyone tells you differently then their probably not married. But if they are married, sit them down and get all the answers to making marriage easy, because I consider my marriage to be a great marriage, and it is definitely work.

Marriage is made up of two flawed people. So, how do we make it a good marriage and not loose ourselves?

The answer is through our Messiah.

I am going to write this post to women, but it in no way is it an excuse for men to be terrible, selfish husbands. There is never an excuse for bad behavior.

Also, if you are in danger or your children are in danger you need to get help. Never stay in a situation that endangers your life or the life of your children. Only you through prayer can determine what is mentally, physically, and spiritually abusive.

Common questions I get from women in difficult marriages:

I feel like my husband isn’t who everyone thinks he is. When we go to church or family gatherings he acts completely different than when we are at home. Is he a narcissist and gas lighting me?
I am working so hard on being a good wife, and he just complains and doesn’t even notice.
Can I leave if my husband is being mean and unkind to me and my kids? This isn’t what I thought marriage would be like?

Let’s start with my husband isn’t who I thought he was and who everyone else thinks he is:

You are not the person your husband thought you were before you said ‘I do.” Marriage is a commitment we make to someone we don’t really know. Sure, we have met a side of that person, but we don’t really know them, and we never truly will. But we have decided to go all in with this person. We made the decision that we would take the risk and invest everything into a union with this person. This is the biggest investment of our lives.

You will always get the best and the worst of your spouse. He is a flawed person, and so are you. Everyone has selfish tendencies, we are sinful people.

When I was a child and went to school. At school I was on my best behavior. I knew that was expected. But when I was at home, I often was spontaneous, impulsive, hyper, and sometimes naughty. I wasn’t trying to be a bad daughter, rather I was immature and needed a safe place to grow and mature. Because I knew my parents, and that they loved me and I could trust them, I let my guard down. I wasn’t consciously being bad only at home, but inside I knew this is a safe place to express myself and grow. As adults we still have a lot of growing and maturing to do. Especially, if we didn’t have the training and discipline we should have as a child. Your spouse should feel safe to be himself in his own home.

Your spouse might appert to be a narcissist, or have narcissistic tendency, and you probably do too. We are born that way. It is only through the power of Yeshua Messiah that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds.

If you want to succeed in marriage (and life) you have to surrender everything you are to God. Your body, mind, and spirit. This is the only way to success.

Before we can succeed in marriage we must die to self. We must give up all our of hopes, dreams, and desires, and even be willing to die for someone else. (When we give up all our dreams for His, He gives us the best hopes, dreams, and goals even better than we imagined. But we must be willing to surrender it all, in order to persevere to receive that which is so much more than we could have ever hoped for.)

I am certain when Yeshua was living on this earth, He got really frustrated with all of us sinful, selfish, and stupid people. Yet, He said, “Not my will, but yours,” to His Father in Heaven. He chose to suffer and die for me. Yeshua never gas lighted anyone, he never put His own desires before mine, He never said, “well, she isn’t who I thought she was.” No, He said, “I am willing to die for you, even if you never change, even if you never accept my gift of redemption, even if you never get your act together, I am all in.” Yeshua made the commitment, so surely I can keep my commitment (covenant) to this man I chose to marry. Even in an arraigned marriage there is choice. We always have a choice.

Most of us chose freely to marry. Maybe we didn’t know to ask all the right questions first. Maybe we didn’t understand what we really were saying ,” I do,” too. But, all the same we have made our choice. So, what now.

Go all in. You chose this person, for better or for worse. So, make it better.

You CAN NOT change your spouse, but you can allow God to change you when you love him, you serve him, and you bless him.

But, I am working so hard to be a good wife, and he doesn’t even notice:

You may be doing some things to improve your marriage and feel it is going unappreciated. But, ask yourself was my heart truly set on serving Christ or was I hoping to change my spouse (or children) by the work I am doing. Do all things out of gratitude to Christ for what He has done for you. Don’t do things to get others to change. Do things to change yourself. Ask yourself, “Did I do my absolute best today to serve my husband for the sake of serving my God?” You don’t want to hear excuses from your spouse or children for their bad behavior, so don’t make excuses for your own.

It is not easy to stay in a relationship were we feel unappreciated, belittled, and mistreated. The world will tell you that you can leave, and do not have to put up with such behavior, but we must ask what does God’s Word say.

Shouldn’t I leave for my mental health, and the well being of my children?

(In a home only the people who live there can truly know what is going on behind closed doors. It is my advice that if a person ever feels unsafe in their own home, they should leave and get help immediately. If you are in a position that you have elders, parents, or some other authority you can go to then that should be the first person you contact if you must leave your home for your safety or the safety of another family member. Never stay in an abusive environment.)

The world says, if your unhappy, if it’s too hard, then you should leave. The church sometimes says, “you are to be submissive and trust God.” But, what does Biblical submission look like.

The Bible doesn’t tell us to love others only when they love us. It doesn’t say, if your husband is rude, selfish, and unkind you can stop being devoted to him. Nope, it says, we are to work towards peace, be devoted, be passionate about living according to God’s Word, and joyful in hope, and even more committed when afflicted. We are to honor our spouse even when he doesn’t deserve to be honored, and most of all we are to pray, pray , pray. We are to pray all day, and all night. We place our faith, hope, and trust in Yehovah.

But how do we love someone who is mean, and selfish and placed over us by God’s authority.

We rejoice with those who are rejoicing, weep with those who are weeping, we humble ourselves, we set our expectations low, we look at ourselves with eyes wide open to our own faults, we respect those things that are honorable, we do NOT repay evil with evil. We focus on the noble and good. We care for our spouse even if it seems like he might be our enemy today.

We conquer evil with good.

We focus on the reasons we decided to marry this person in the first place. The things we love about him. His good looks, His sense of humor, his commitment to provide for his family. Whatever it is that we can find that is noble and good, we focus on those things. We remind ourselves that even our worst enemy deserves to be cared for, and this is NOT my worst enemy, but the man I chose to make a commitment to love and honor.

Maybe you married the wrong person, so what are you going to do now?

Your going to love him, and place all your hopes and dreams in Yehovah’s hands.