Porn in a Biblical Marriage, Let’s Get Real.

My husband and I have been together for over 30 years.  We have been mentoring couples for over 20 years.  Now we are parents to young married couples.  One of our daughters is getting married this June.  We are so excited.  But as always these months leading up to marriage, we, as parents, try and be very intentional about what we discuss and encourage the young couple to discuss.  One of the topics we are very adamant about discussing is pornography.

Pornography is every where and easily accessible.  When my husband and I were first married, I knew very little about pornography, and I hadn’t really thought about it.  My husband on the other had, had come from a more worldly background, and had first hand experience with it.  When we got married, I was actually told by a believe that there is actually nothing wrong with watching pornography, as long as you do it as a couple.  This was a leader in the church.  This did not seem right to me, and I did not accept it as truth.  But, over the years, I found there was a lot of lies in the church in this area.  Men would tell men, that it was ok, as long as your wife doesn’t know about it.  Men would even teach men how to avoid getting caught.

What is Pornography?

It is many things.

According to the dictionary, pornography is printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.

By this definition anything that is online, in a book, on a screen, in a magazine, etc.  that creates sexual arousal is porn.

What does the Bible say about Pornography?

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Mathew 5:28). -Yeshua

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

(1 Corinthians 6:18-20).- Paul

There are many more verses in the Bible about adultery, sexual sin, and perverseness.  But with just two passages of scripture we see that God makes it clear that porn is NOT ok ever!

Think about It

The people you are looking at are real people.  They are created in the image of God, just like you.  When you look at these people in a pornographic way, then you are committing adultery.  You are sinning again your Creator, cheating on Him, belittling Him.

It doesn’t matter if you are browsing profile pictures on Facebook, watchin tictok videos, looking at catalogs, or viewing actual “porn” industry content.   If you are lusting after someone or something that is not your spouse, you are according to Christ committing adultery in your heart.

Temptation is Everywhere

Let’s be real, this is a really big problem in our culture and time.  It is everywhere we look.  The world has fed us a lie that our lives should revolve around sex, and we should be thinking about sex constantly.  Our society wants us to believe that we have to have sex, we need sex, and we should be desiring sex every minute of every day.  It pushes it into our minds non stop.  Music, books, television, social media, billboards, it is in school, it is at the office, in our homes. It is everywhere.

How should we respond?

I have found that often there are people who struggle with these temptations, and there are people who don’t.  But the problem is how do these two groups of people support and encourage each other, without feeling hurt or betrayed, ashamed or used.

I am going to be really personal and honest with you all now.  I do not struggle at all in this area, all praise to Yehovah.  But, my husband has struggled with it.  So, I think we have learned a lot over our years together on this topic.  When we were first married, I was hurt and took my husband’s struggle as a failure on my part.  I felt guilty, angry, and defeated.  I also felt dirty and used.  It made our marriage hard, because I thought about it all the time.  I thought about what I could have done better, or how I could fix things.  But, I also didn’t want to be with a man who looked at other women, and/or images of others doing sexual things.  In all fairness, I actually never knew what he looked at or did.  I didn’t really want to know, and he of course, was embarrassed and often hid it from me.  It was a vicious cycle of not really ever talking about it, and not ever really dealing with the problem.  This cycle created tension and anxiety in our home.

When Jeremy realized that this was a sin, and wrong.  He desired to walk away from porn, but it wasn’t as easy as just stopping.  So, he sought help from the men in our church.  These men were also addicted to porn and did not help him in anyway.  But, I felt like it was not my job to police my husbands sexual sin issues.  It should be a man.  That is a lie from hell.  I am his helpmate.  It is my job to build trust with him.  He needed to know that he could come to me and tell me when he was struggling, feeling tempted, and even when he failed.  He likewise, needed to allow me to express my hurt, sadness, and reluctants in trusting him.

Before Marriage

Talk about temptations with your future spouse, ask hard questions, share your past with each other, and be honest about how you can love and support each other in marriage.  Talk about best ways to communicate with each other.  Some people do not do well with confrontation, and need time after the initial discussion to think and process.  Make sure you know and understand how each other best communicates.  Some people do better with a letter or note than a face to face conversation.

After the Honeymoon

Once you have been married a short time, you will better understand your sexual needs, and you should openly discuss them with your spouse.  Learn early in marriage to be open and honest about sex, and how to best meet each others needs.

Throughout Marriage

Ask your spouse hard questions.  If you think they are having a sex related issue, then talk about it.  Don’t ignore it.  If you are having an issue, talk about it.  If there is a problem in your sexual relationship, get help right away.  Seek the proper help, medical or otherwise.

If something you enjoyed once, but now don’t enjoy, tell your spouse.  People change, bodies change, and that is ok.  Listen to your spouse, and care about each others needs.

If you are married to someone that struggles with the temptation of porn, do your best to not make it about you.  Recognize that this is their sin issue.  You have your own sin issues, and you wouldn’t want your spouse to blame themselves every time you fail.  We are here to support each other, but when an individual sins, it is their sin to confess and repent of, not ours.

Repentance is turning away from sin, and working to stay away from temptation.  Sadly, with porn, temptation comes knocking at the door often.  If you are the spouse that struggles with this temptation, don’t wait until you fail the test to talk to your spouse.  Tell them as soon as the temptation is calling you.  If you slip at all, even just a little slip, go to your spouse immediately and confess and make a better plan.  Don’t hid, don’t tell yourself it wasn’t really anything, or I don’t want to hurt them again.  These are lies and will just lead to more temptation and lies.

If you are the spouse that is having to receive these confessions, be gracious and don’t over react.  You want your spouse to be honest with you, you want to help them.  Don’t make it about you.  But, do be honest.  You can say, thank you for telling me, and I am sorry, but it makes me feel dirty, and I don’t desire to be intimate with you right now.  So, please don’t make sexual advances or teasing.  I will let you know when I am feeling less hurt, and ready to touch and be intimate again.  I am not doing this to punish you, I just need a little time.

Marriage is hard work, and there are struggles in all marriages.  If you have the struggle of porn in your marriage, and your spouse is not willing to admit that this is actually a sin, I pray that God will give you wisdom in how to proceed.  In my personal opinion, a spouse that is into porn and unwilling to confess and repent is committing adultery.

No matter the issue in your marriage the best answer is to center your marriage on Messiah, and for both people to find their identity in their Creator and Redeemer.  This will create the firmest of foundations to build on. Secondly, learn early in marriage to communicate well with your spouse.  Learn to say the hard things, learn to hear the hard things, learn to say what you love and hate, and to receive those same words from your spouse.

I pray this post blessings others.

Shalom

 

 

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