Parenting an Adult Child that is Disrespectful and Disobedient
Parenting . Popular PostsSadly, I have noticed in many of my friend’s relationships with their adult children that have moved out on their own, they walk away from the faith that was taught in their home. They rebel and decide to do things their own way. Some examples are sex outside of marriage, homosexual relationships, experimental relationships, drinking, drug use, partying, smoking, watching or getting involved in cultic activities. Why have their children abandoned what they taught them? Is it just curiosity? Is it normal, to stretch the limits and boundaries? What should be a parent’s response to this behavior? Should we as parents just expect it and accept it as part of growing up? Could we as parents do something different to keep our children from these times?
These are questions I ponder.
I also am amazed that so many of these children that are not walking in their parent’s teachings are struggling and hurting. They seem to want the blessings of God and of their parents, but yet they do not remember that blessings come from obedience and respect. Here is a sad, but true story that shows this behavior.
A daughter moves out of her parents home and into a place with friends. The daughter and her friends attend a church singles group each week. After a short time, the daughter and her friend decided that they not only think that it is ok to have sexual relationships with whatever people they want, but they themselves are bisexual and begin experimenting with one another. One thing leads to another and the daughter is going to bars and clubs and having a good time with friends drinking, even though she isn’t actually 21. The daughter begins to have health problems, employment issues, and trouble with her car and paying bills. Her solution, go to her parents and ask for help. The same parents that she earlier told that she no longer agreed with their Biblical teachings and wasn’t going to respect them. Not only does she go and ask them for help and money, but she also sends out her prayer requests on social media for everyone to pray and ask God to help her in her time of need. She isn’t sorry for her disrespect of her parents or God. She doesn’t repent of her behavior in any way. In fact, she is still involved in a church, and she loves God, and He loves her. He accepts her just the way she is, according to her.
So, what is a parent to do in this situation? Do they let their child suffer from illness? Do they take the child back into their home, their care? What could they have done differently, what should they do now?
I have had the privilege to counsel many single parents, children, and couples over the last 20 some years, through many different times of crisis. There is one common issue, I see over and over in relationships. Pride.
Pride is what gets in the way more than anything else. It doesn’t matter who you are, or what personality type you are, or what your spiritual gifting is, or what your IQ is? Nope, it doesn’t matter if you’re adopted, biologically related, in-laws, parent, child, grandparent, cousin, or uncle. It doesn’t matter if you’re too old or too young. It doesn’t matter if you made lots of mistakes in the past or if you did everything right all the time.
PRIDE is the root of most problems in relationships.
The Bible teaches us over and over to be humble and to place others above ourselves. One of my favorite passages on humility is Philippians chapter 2.
“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.”
In this chapter, we are reminded that our Messiah placed His love for the Father and for Us above Himself. We are reminded that the God of the Universe loved us so much He asked His Son to die for us, and His Son humbly suffered and died for us. If we can learn to always remember that great act, then we are less likely to let our own pride keep us from loving others as Christ loved us.
You may be asking how does pride apply to a rebellious adult child? Let me give some examples of what pride can do in a relationship.
-
Pride is thinking that somehow it is our fault that someone else is sinning. When this happens pride turns into guilt. Guilt produces anger, regret, and shame.
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Pride is thinking that someone else should know better because we taught them better. This pride turns into anger, indifference, and self-righteousness.
-
Pride is thinking God needs us to do His work or solve someone else’s problems. This kind of pride turns into a busy-body, a nag, or a control freak.
There are many other forms of pride, but I think you get the point. When we let ourselves become prideful, we operate outside of the will of God. We take things into our own hands at times. We let guilt and anger be our motivator. Pride gets in the way of us being able to communicate love and truth to others.
The first thing we must do in any relationship is put our pride aside. When doing this with our adult children this can be tricky. We want our children to be successful and we want them to be our friends. We love our children in a way that we want the best for them even when they are being stupid and foolish. We want them to be safe and happy. We would do just about anything for our children. So, when they are hurting physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually we want to come to the rescue.
But what is the right response to a child who is living in sin and needs help?
I have been pondering this for a few weeks. I think we must be like our Heavenly Father. We must expect respect and obedience. We must expect repentance. We must love our children and pray for them to walk in Truth. When God’s people have disobeyed and forgot His Name (forget who God truly is, disrespected Him), God had to allow the pain and suffering. God can not tolerate sin, but because He loves His children, His creation, He desires that they come back to Him. He didn’t and He still doesn’t bless those who are disobedient in order to get them to come back to Him. No, He leaves them in their sin and lets them learn that sin leads to suffering and death. His hope is that the suffering will cause them to see that walking in His Truths, His Ways will bring blessings, joy, and peace. His hope is that the pain will lead them to Him. If we want to be good parents, we need to learn from Our Heavenly Father how to parent in true love.
Love is Not ignoring our children. Love is NOT spiteful, or vindictive. Love is always hopeful, always praying, always caring. But love does not condone sin, love does not reject the truth. Love does NOT tolerate disrespect or disobedience.
No matter how old our children are, no matter how independent our children are there is no room for disrespect.
If your child is openly rude, disrespectful of you, your rules, your way of life, then you should not bless them. It is that simple. True love desires that our children have an eternal relationship with God, this should always be what motivates us in how we care for our children. Giving gifts, blessings, and good things to a rebellious, ungrateful, disrespectful child will not turn them to Christ. It will just reinforce the idea they have that God loves and accepts them just the way they are.
This is a false teaching in the church today.
God loves all of us and He desires that we seek Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. He loves every person He created, but He can not and will not tolerate sin. He can not and will not accept anyone into His Kingdom that is not repentant. Repentance is turning away from our wicked and evil ways and turning to His Ways. Repentance is turning from wrong and walking in Righteousness!
So parents, don’t be discouraged.
God loves your child even more than you do.
Trust Him with your child. Place your child in the palm of His hand, and wait expectantly for Him to take hold of your child and bring them back to Himself. Love your child, speak truth to your child, encourage your child to return to righteousness. But do NOT tolerate sin in your home, do not tolerate disrespect in your home, and do not let pride get in the way of doing what is right.
I pray that the peace of God reigns in your hearts and homes.
Shalom
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I needed this at this time. Thank you
I am glad it was a blessing to you.
I am blessed with your message, being a mum to a teen daughter is just hard.
But I am privileged to have God in my life who listens to my worries.
I thought I knew what I doing but after reading through your parenting advice I felt it was referring to me to change me.
I pray God will bless you more as you reach out help parents like us.
Thank you
So glad that God continues to use this post to bless others. It amazes me that I wrote this and I took still get so much encouragement from it as I continue in my parenting journey.
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been a step mother for almost 17 years and still struggle with disrespectful mean spirited (now adult) children.You’re right about pride being the source of it! This teaching is needed more than ever so thank you again!
Reminds me that husband and I are handling it God’s way even as hard as it is or going to be. I know the Lord will do his good work
Man! What an awesome and Yah filled post. Such truth. Thank you.
I found this today and it made me cry so deeply. Thank you, I truly needed to see these words and read them outloud. I wish that I had read them before my anger took over, but I found the comfort I needed.
Thank you , thank you ..I have a 48 year old son who has moved back home.. I was not going to do it because he has had this pattern of not working .. He has but my grandchildren thru so much.. We have help for ever.. They are both on there own and doing so well in spite of , live in the cars to have no heat at times( he took them out of state) .. I could go on and on but it won’t do any good..I have prayed for years for them and I know God was always with them.. I have been up for days reading what God has to say.. I realize that I have have had pride thinking I could fix it again..I know he needs to go but don’t want him to but his anger is not what I want .. he says his not, its just now he is.. and his doesn’t want people to keep say that his always mad.. He is always made.. any help would be greatly helpful//
Peggy,
What hard decisions we have to make. Loving our children when they are rebellious is on of the hardest things in life. Praying that Yehovah God gives you wisdom and discernment. My one piece of advice for older adults children is having only a few set rules if they return home. The first rule is that they must show you respect. Respect is shown by obeying your rules and displaying self control. You can not tolerate disrespect no matter how much you want to help. Because you are only enabling bad behavior, not teaching true Godly character. A repentent heart changes.
Thank you for the message you have presented here. I really needed to read these precious words. Please pray for my adult sons that they will see the error of their ways. They got mixed up in drugs the past year. They were raised up in Sunday School in church & knowing God’s love & have each, when they were younger, have accepted Jesus as their Savior, but have turned to the devil’s wicked ways. I pray for them, but, being a mother, still worry about them. I worry myself sick. My youngest son has 3 precious children who need him. They are being taken care of by family members, my daughters, but they need their father. Please pray for me” too, that when I pray for them, I’ll leave them in God’s hands & let Him do what He has to do to turn them around & back on the straight & narrow way leading to righteousness. Thank you
Judith, It is so hard when the people we love are making bad choices. I will pray that God will indeed give you peace about your children. I will also pray that they will seek Him.
Katie
I have 3 adults children when I was young one out of wedlock, in which I repented and got married. I tried to do the best I could by raising my children in church and introducing them to Christ. They have turned away from God abdc strattling the fence , my son 47 is mostly absent he calls me 3 times a year I may see him once every 1 or 2 years, my 2 girls 40 and 42 are so very disrespectful, until it has caused me to become i’ll, so I have to pull back and leave them alone, with God completely this time, it is hard, but I can’t take the abuse anymore. I have had a lot of negative interruptions while I was raising my children, I took a lot if advice from my biological mother, whom I thought love me and cared about me but all the time she purposefully gave me wrong advice regarding raising my children, at the time I need her as my. other and my friend, because she interrupted all of my friendship that I tried to have , she always made me feel they did not really like me and I couldn’t trust anyone, so I just turned to her for advice, and it was the wrong advice. I was a single parent for awhile with my 3 children, but God supplied all of our needs , He really showed up in my life , if though it was a 2 parent household in which it was because God was there and Ge was with me and my children. It is too much to type and too much to say. I am tired as much as I love my life . I have asked God to bring me home, but not my will His will be done. please pray for me my children and grandchildren
Elvira,
I am praying for you and your family right now. May Yehovah God bring you peace and hope in these tough times. May He open the eyes and ears of your children to His Truth and may they long to walk in His Ways. He is faithful and true, and we can trust Him with all our children and grandchildren.
Shalom
I searched this topic online today because my 21 year old daughter came back home for break from college to watch our dogs while my husband and I are on a business trip for a week. We recently got a camera installed outside. We asked her and the guy she’s dating not to have him stay the night at our home. We’ll tonight she lied to us and told us he’s not there. She is about to graduate college may. We were going to give her a graduation party and money to furnish her new apartment. But now my husband said no this is the consequences of the disrespect and he is no longer allowed in our home. We also told her we don’t agree w them living together. She was not raised this way and is in total rebellion against God plus the guy is a atheist and doesn’t believe is Jesus. Please pray for zee
I am so sorry that you are having to make these tough decisions with your daughter. May Yehovah grant you wisdom and strength as you show your daughter true love and respect.
Shalom
OMG!! I needed this! The Lord led me to this tonight to help ne through a problem and questions in my mind. This answered ALL of them and put my mind at peace!! OMG, I know just what to do and what not to do. Thank you Jesus for caring about my need and loving me enough to direct me to this post, in Jesus name, amen and amen🙏🏾
My adult son is so disrespectful too me his anger is outta control he’s using drugs he just got home from doing 10 years I don’t no what to do he’s stressing me out he’s in and out my home he’s very hard to deal with I don’t no what to do he’s making it do hard for me please please pray for me I don’t no what too do
Praying for you dear sister. What a hard place to be in. May Yehovah give you wisdom and strength.
My 25-year old son has been challenging and disrespectful to me since the Fall of 2016 when he left to go to college. I believe in addition to him carrying around unresolved anger from his dad not being consistent in his life starting at age 3 when we got divorced…..he did not like that I got remarried 20 years later. He’s threatened suicide a few times, has had major meltdowns both at home and in public places, constantly tells me that I should have waited longer to get married again, blames me for things such as breaking up what he always knew his family to be from childhood which was my younger son, him and I. He flunked out of college, never wanted to take his ADD Medication, refused therapy (says he doesn’t need it) and is always ready to snap and yell at me (his mom), his younger brother who is always trying to diffuse the situations that pop up between him and I, his grandparents, aunts and whoever else happens to be in his path at the wrong time. He does not respect me or anyone else. I reminded him that God commands children to respect their parents. He told me that doesn’t apply to him anymore because he’s an adult and that he’s on my level and that I am supposed to respect him no matter what he says or does to me. He smokes weed constantly now to stay in a state of numbness. He is always telling me that he’s depressed and unhappy and that God forgot about him and that he’s angry with God. He has no friends and loses every job that he gets. After dealing with this from July 2022 to July 2023….. I cried but God showed me that I had to ask him to leave my house. It was hard but I had to do it because my mental health was beginning to suffer and he was causing problems between me and my new husband. He left 2 weeks ago and moved to Florida with his girlfriend and her family. Her family doesn’t really like him either because he’s mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive to their daughter but she loves him and doesn’t want to give up on him. He called me 2 days ago asking me to help him to enroll in community college online. I was trying to help him and that ended up turning into a horrible argument. It resulted in him yelling at me, blaming me for his problems and calling me a narcissist. I kept trying to calm him down and explain that I was just trying to help him and he just kept yelling, over talking me and blaming me for stuff that was simply not true. I finally just said how about we agree to disagree on this because I don’t feel well and I can’t take this anymore. Let’s just get back to me helping you. Well that wasn’t good enough and he just kept going and going. I was trying to diffuse the negative conversation but he acted like he was ready for a fight with me over the phone. Finally I gave up and told him I was done and hung up on him. Got off the phone and busted out crying. I’m emotionally drained from my son. I realized that I can’t help him anymore….not even with simple stuff. God was showing me to keep my hands off of it and let him deal with my son. I understand now even more based on your article. I need prayer for this incredible guilt that I am varying around. I feel like I have abandoned my son and he accused me of that when I kicked him out of my house. I feel sad every day because I don’t know how far he has to continue to fall before he humbles himself and surrenders his life back to the Lord. He was baptized at age 8. Please 🙏🏽 pray for me that I will learn to no longer feel guilty about something that I can’t control and that my son won’t keep using guilt trips to manipulate me. This is one of the hardest trials I’ve ever had to go through. Thank you and sorry for the long post. I had to get this off my chest.
Trina,
What a tough spot you are in. Sadly, your son just can not see how much you truly love him, and how much it hurts you to be tough. But, stand firm, and know that God loves your son even more than you do. I pray that god will comfort your mom heart, and that He will continue to pursue your son. I pray that your son will have eyes to see and ears to hear, and that just the right person will come into his life that can speak truth to him and he will receive it. Shalom, sister.
Dear Katie,
Words are not adequate enough to thank you for your godly councils 🙏🏾 For years I have been a victim of my “Pride’…thinking that I could safe and protect my Children from their own choices to be disrespectful and to making ill-decisions. I have been overwhelmed and pained from the years of disrespectful and abusive behaviours towards me. This week in my distress, I began searching for some wise and Spirit-led councils on Adult Parenting; Praise God, in His infinite wisdom, led me to search the internet, where your profound truths were found.
Your comments on Pride, have opened my eyes to seeing more clearly, my part in enabling my Adult Children to perpetuate the negative behaviours. Behaviours which have far reaching and eternal consequences. I am also, taking responsibility for the negative parts that I have played; Notwithstanding, the lack of disrespect for my person, will not be aided and abetted any longer. God wants to save us all but we must accept His grace in His pursuit of us….
Once more, I thank you for the godly councils, they have impacted me tremendously.
May God continue to bless your ministry,
Barbara
Praise Yehovah. May He bless you as you seek to love your children.
Dear Katie,
I am feeling so much better than I was a few days ago. Your godly counsels and insightful teachings, have been a great blessing to me. Now I look forward with excitement to read and watch your presentations. I am empowered to share what I have learned, while making the long over-due changes in my parenting relationship without feeling guilty of being judged.
Your Christian views, are inspired, on point and greatly valued.
With kindest regards,
Barbara
Katie,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and generous remarks concerning disorient adult children. I can’t tell you how I’ve struggled with this. My son is 47 and on the spectrum. He can be so disrespectful at times and sweet at others. The burden of not knowing how to respond to this in a christian way has been lifted somewhat by your words. It seems clearer that I must not tolerate this kind of disrespect. Thank you again and God bless. Sue
Sue,
I am so glad this post blessed you. I am in no way an expert on parenting, but like you I have an adult son with special needs. It can be so tricky to hold the line with him, because I make excuses for him. But, I have to take my own advice and expect respect.
May God bless.
Katie
This article was intriguing to read and offered me confirmation that I am on the right path. My adult daughter has been physically and emotionally abusive to me over the years. And no matter what she has said or done hurtful to me, I kept turning the other cheek. A few days ago she assaulted me and destroyed things in my home in a mad rage.
This time I called the police and she was arrested for assaulting me.
I am allowing my abusive adult daughter to be forced to be held accountable for her actions.
It hurts to see he face legal consequences, however, I refuse to keep being abused by her.
Now I have to pray and allow God to take the wheel.
Summer,
What a tough place to be. I am glad this post blessed you in this difficult time. I will pray for your daughter, and your momma heart.
This is an excellent discourse. Thank you so much! I needed this today and you have blessed my life. Bookmarking this! Thank you for being close to the Savior and for clearly helping with correct principles.
Thanks you for this teaching. My daughter is 24 and is so disrespectful. She has had 3 cars and she is on my insurance and I am getting her off my insurance due to her accidents and disrespectful nature to me. She lives at home but spends most of her time with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend lives with his mother and his mother lets her come over there and stay at night having sex with her son. The mother disrespects me and so does the son. My daughter is right out disrespects me and treats me really bad. I am a single mother and she helps me with house expenses. I need God to really move on getting my finances in order, I am not working at the time. I divorced my husband a few years ago because of his drug use and 10 months later he passed away. I think my daughter blames me for a lot of issues that she has. This teaching blessed me because I have to now stand for truth and trust God for every thing going forward.