I took the TV out of my bedroom today.
That may not sound like a big deal to you, but if you know why the TV was in my room in the first place then you will understand what a huge deal it truly is.
In August 2018, I asked my husband to bring the extra television upstairs to our bedroom to help me sleep. You see, I experienced a trauma that month. A trauma that wasn’t over, and I had trouble falling asleep, and when I did fall asleep I would wake in a panic attack. Over and over all night long. So, I brought the television into my room to drowned out the noise in my head. To distract me from thinking about the trauma I was going through. Now a year and a half later, I don’t need that noise anymore.
Does that mean I have some how overcome, have I become a better person, better believer now?
Not at all.
The truth is no matter how many Bible verses I spoke out loud, and no matter how many songs I sung, and no matter how many prayers I prayed, my physical body was experiencing something that it didn’t know how to handle. I didn’t stop trusting in Yehovah, not once, during this time of trial and tribulation. I didn’t drop into a pit of depression, but my mind and body continued to have panic attacks.
During this time, I had to see both medical doctors and psychologists. They told me that I was suffering from PTSD, and it was affecting my Hashimotos. PTSD stands for post traumatic stress syndrome, and Hashimotos is a thyroid autoimmune disorder. I will admit I felt angry and betrayed by my body. I had just spent years getting to a point where my Hashimotos was under control. I was so mad that my body kept becoming overwhelmed at the strangest of times, and no matter how much I told myself I was fine and ok, my mind and body just kept acting out.
Maybe you can relate.
During this time, my husband, children, and best friends, all kept telling me, it is just a matter of time and my body would heal.
I am sharing this story because we all go through times of stress and trauma, and even though we might know that God is in control, it affects us. There is nothing wrong or sinful in being overwhelmed by our circumstances. Life is hard. Life is scary. Bad things happen. Horrible things happen.
IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK!!!!
I wasn’t feeling ok for a long time. In fact, I was feeling very NOT ok.
Did that mean I lost my faith? Does that mean I was failing as a true believer?
Not at all.
If you think that, you need to get out your Bible and read the book of Psalms. Poor David, he got so overwhelmed by his circumstances. And rightly so, he was being hunted by the dad of his best friend, who wanted to kill him. He never knew who he could trust, not even his own sons. That is some overwhelming situations. I am so glad he wrote so many Psalms. He wasn’t afraid to tell God that he was scared, sad, overwhelmed, angry, and lonely.
But as David cried out to God about these things, he often ended up remembering that God is good, faithful true, sovereign, and trustworthy.
For the last year and a half, I read those Psalms daily. They became the cry of my heart. Slowly, over time, my body and mind have indeed healed. I have lived through the trauma, and I don’t need the TV in my room to help me sleep through the night anymore.
I hope you know that you are NOT alone. I hope you know that whatever tragedy or trauma you are going through it won’t last forever. I hope you know that your circumstances can change and will change, but Yehovah God never changes.
It is OK to NOT be OK.
These trials and tribulations will build character and hope. Trust even when you can’t see tomorrow.
Written by Katie
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