Tough Love, is this a Biblical Parenting Method? Parenting Children of Trauma and Abuse

Yesterday, a friend of mine called to just talk and be encouraged in her parenting.  This friend, like myself, has both biological (children she gave birth to), and adopted children.  Though we often don’t distinguish between these children,  we are aware that raising adopted children can have challenges that are different from raising a child that we gave birth to.  So, my friend just needed someone to talk to about some parenting decisions she had to make with one of her children, and have someone listen and encourage her in her parenting.  It is easy to question and doubt our parenting decisions, and it is a blessing when we can have Godly friends and family to encourage and support us as we navigate the parenting road.  Especially, when we are dealing with children that come to us from an abusive and traumatic background.

I have been around traumatized, abused, and neglected people my whole live.  Over the years, I have heard, read, and been instructed in all kinds of different parenting techniques and strategies.  Some of them claimed to be Biblically based.  Some claimed to be psychologically sound and proven by science.  The problem is there seems to be a new method, new idea, every other day.

When Jeremy and I were young parents, we wanted to do it all correctly.  We wanted to care for our children the best we could.  We read books, we went to parenting seminars, we even sought out professional advice and treatment for some of our children.  Doctors, pediatricians, child psychologist and family counselors had all kinds of answers for us.  Some of these professionals had great and helpful advice, but sadly most just caused us more confusion and stress as parents.

In more recent years, as our family began living a Biblical Lifestyle, we found that the answers to parenting a child of  trauma and abuse are in the Word of God.  We found that the best parenting advice is found right in the Bible.

I thought I would take a minute and share the best advice I can give to you as you seek to help your child heal from trauma and abuse, and the best parenting tips for all children.

• • First, take everything to God in prayer.  There is nothing more important than asking God to heal and to help your child grow into the man or woman He created them to be. Philippians 4
  • Second, be humble, admit that you are not capable of being and doing everything perfectly, but through obedience in Messiah, you can be the hope that your child needs. Ephesians 4
  • Third, Find peace and joy in Yehovah, and share it with your child. If you want your child to be changed into the person God created him to be, first allow God to transform you into the person He created you to be. 2 Corinthians 3
  • Fourth, walk in obedience to God’s law, and expect everyone in your home to as well.  Obedience, law, and order bring security. Deuteronomy 5, 1 John 5
  • Fifth, Have self control and do not discipline in anger.  We can not expect our children to learn to be kind, patient, and loving, if we are not kind, patient, and loving.  We can not expect our children to be forgiving and compassionate, if we are not forgiving and passionate.  Titus 2, James 1, Galatians 5
  • Sixth, Obey the laws of the government.  Often, we as parents think we have authority that surpasses the government.  This is only partially true.  God gave us the responsibility to raise the children He places in our homes, but we are to do it according to His Word.  We do not get to use violence, neglect, or make excuses for our lack of control in raising our difficult child.  We may not always agree with the law of the land, but unless it causes us to sin, by breaking one of God’s clear commandments, we are required by scripture to acknowledge the authorities placed over us by God.  We must know and understand these laws, and lastly we must stand up for just and fair laws whenever we can. Romans 12-13
  • Seventh, There is no excuses for bad behavior.  As believers, we are to know and obey the Word of God.  We do not get to make excuses for lack of self -control, discipline, and/or ignorant behavior of any kind.  We must study and apply the Word daily.  1 John 1, 1 Peter 2
  • Lastly, Treat people the way you would want to be treated.  If you were a child would you want to be yelled at over and over, would you want to be ignored, would you want to be physically restrained or struck when you are confused, scared, unsure, or just trying to survive.  We need to ask ourselves is this the way I would want to be parented.  I think often we let our own past experiences keep us from being a better parent today.  John 6, 1 Corinthians 13

So often, we neglect to give our children a stable environment to learn and grow in.  A place with clear rules and consequences, that offers grace and love, as well as, direction and order.  Instead, we give them vague rules, unclear guidelines, and distracted parenting.  Then when they make mistakes, become demanding of our attention and time, and/or fail to preform as we expect, we lose our temper, become unreasonable, and blame our child for our lack of self control.

Everyone has bad days.  But if the bad days out weigh the good days, it is time to realize we, the parent, are the problem.

Children are dependent on adults, not the other way around.  Remember it is our job to train them up in the Way they should go.

I hope this helps you realize there is no specific discipline method for every child, parent, family.  If you make sure that you offer a safe, healthy, and consistent home environment then you are doing a good job.  Find a method that works for your family, and use it, don’t worry if it isn’t like your parents, or your friends.  Just be sure it is Biblically sound, full of love, grace, compassion, order, and obedience.

Parenting is a life time commitment, and it is hard, and sometimes heart breaking work.  Yet, it is worth every sacrifice.

Written by ktmom15