I Took My Kids to Church Today

This morning, I took my kids to church.  I got up and got them around, and drove in the snow to the church down the road.

I almost didn’t go.  I almost talked myself out of it.

It had been a very long emotionally exhausting week, and I could have easily stayed home and rested.

But, I knew that was exactly why I needed to get up and go.

I took my kids to church today.

It has been almost two years since my husband and I left the church. Two years of pain and loss.  Two years of confusion and unlearning.  Two years of fear and doubt.  Two years.

I took my kids to church today.

As I drove to the church down the street with the silly name. The one that we always make fun of, “JESUS church.”  I prayed silently that God would make me comfortable to leave my kids in the care of strangers.  Because it is for them I am going.  They need church.  They need friends.  They need someone else telling them how much Jesus loves them.  I was desperate….

as I took my kids to church today.

In my heart, I cried Lord, make me feel safe to leave them in the children’s ministry.

I took my kids to church today.

We walked in the door, and were greeted by a woman who shows us the way to the children’s room.  I follow, not at all at ease. I step inside the room, and  I am greeted by another woman, who begins to ask us our names, and I wonder, “is this a mistake?”

Then a woman says, “Hi, Kaite.”  A woman I know is smiling at me, she is right there in the room, the actual teacher of the children.  I am overwhelmed, I cry.

I took my kids to church today.

In a flood of emotions I began to cry.  God provided a safe person, so I could have peace to let my children experience church.  And in that moment, as the tears fell I realized I was afraid to go to church. I was afraid we would be hurt again.  For a short second, I wanted to grab my children and head to the car.  But…

I took my kids to church today.

I calmed myself, and thought of my children and what they needed. They needed church.  I signed them in, and took my teens and with tears still spilling down my cheeks, and went into the worship service.  As the music began, and they started to worship God, I cried again.

I took to my kids to church today.

As the songs of praise and desire to be with God were sung, I sadly realized I was mad at God, I was not trusting God, I needed God.  As the words of Psalms 127 were read, and the muic washed over me, I poured my heart out to God.  He can handle my anger, my pain, my fear, my mistrust.  He is a big God, with big shoulders.

Too many churches, too many failures, too many heartaches were keeping me from church.

I am still bruised and wounded.

More than 30 years of church trauma has broken and shattered my faith in myself.  What if I make the same mistakes again?  What if ……

But, today I took my kids to church.

Written by ktmom15