Top Three Reasons Marriages are Failing, and How to Save Yours before it is too Late.Biblical Living . Biblical Marriage
Disclaimer: Sadly in this very fallen world there are people who are stuck in marriages that they did not mean to be in. I encourage parents to train your children to ask the write questions before marriage. That being said, this post is not written to the man or woman who may be in a marriage to a violent, abusive narcissist. A narcissist is a person who can not and will not see their own faults and work to change them. 1 John 1:8-10 says, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar, and His word is not in us.” A narcissist truly is so depraved in their own mind and without the miracle of Messiah they can not and will not change. In such situations, it can be very dangerous to remain living with such a person. Therefore, I want to be clear that this post is not suggesting that anyone should remain living with such a person.
Marriages are failing, and often so many are not even getting started, because they can’t make the commitment. All around we see marriage in crisis and crashing and burning.
Why, and How can you keep from being one of those marriages?
My husband and I have been counseling couples for over 20 years, and we have been married for almost 30 years. Our marriage is not perfect, and we have struggled through some rough times. But, I think through our own marriage and the marriages we have witnessed fail and succeed over time, I can easily identify the top three reasons for failure.
- Worry, Anxiety, and Fear.
- Lack of Communication.
Our society teaches us to worry about everything. We worry about the bills, our appearance, our worthiness, our vehicles, our spouses health and well-being, our own health and well-being, where we live, how we live, our children, our job, our friends, our family, if the world is ending.
We worry if we are good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough. We worry if we are Enough.
We worry if we use the right soap, eat the right food, buy the right car, live in the right place, etc., etc.
Worry leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to fear. Fear leads to death and destruction.
As believers, we must stop the cycle of fear and paranoia.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
The second thing that will destroy a marriage is selfishness. Our minds are constantly being told that we are the most important person. Television, movies, books, social media, advertising, and more are screaming at us day and night take care of ourselves first. The world would have us believe that we are God and that the sun, moon, and stars revolve around us. Even in good marriages this selfishness creeps in and takes hold.
We get married so we can have it all. We get married for a sexual partner, children, companionship, someone to take care of us, someone to take care of. We get married to have all the things we want.
Marriage that is all about me, is never going to succeed. Marriage is supposed to be all about your spouse. Christ set the example and standard for marriage, when He gave His Whole Self up unto death for His Bride, the House of Israel, the Church.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–30for we are members of his body.31″For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church.33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
The number one reason a marriage fails when a couple truly is trying to succeed but isn’t moving forward, is lack of good communication. We want our spouse to read our mind. We want them to do things for us without asking. We want them to know us better than we often know ourselves. We want them to look at us and see that we are having a bad day, and that we just need their permission to rest. We want them to buy us a small surprise or treat when they are at the store without letting them know, and we are disappointed they didn’t. We want them to tell us all their hopes and dreams and thoughts without us asking. We want them to ask us ours. We want them to pick up the bathroom floor after they take a shower, but we have never actually told them. We just get angry about it.
Talking to our spouse is the thing we need to do more of. Listening to our spouse. Asking good questions and listening patiently to the answers will solve a great deal of problems in a marriage. Expressing our worries to our spouse before they take over and turn into fear, anxiety, and paranoia can change not only your marriage, but the lives of all those you live life with daily. Talking about your hopes and disappointments before they turn into anger and rage can grow your marriage into a beautiful and safe place for children to grow and mature.
Communication is more than talking, it is the little things we do or don’t do for each other. It is the body language we use, and the tone of voice we use. Communication is giving our full attention, or ignoring one another. When you bring home dinner you communicate a message to your spouse. When you slam the doors and scream at the children, you communicate to your spouse that they failed as a parent. Everything we say and do in a marriage is a message to our spouse. If you constantly complain, you let your spouse know what a disappointment they are. In marriage we become one, and every communicate we make about our lives is a clear message to our spouse.
Good communication takes effort and hard work.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
The truth is many couples today are not even making the commitment to marriage, but rather are living together, going in and out of relationships, or just settling for brokenness. The answer to having a successful, meaningful, and beautiful marriage begins with a commitment. A commitment to God, and His ways. Even if you have been married for over 30 years, it is not too late to make that commitment and strive towards a more beautiful marriage.
Marriage is hard work. It requires daily thinking of someone else as more important than yourself. If you are unhappy in your marriage you need to look first to your relationship with your Creator. Do you know Him as your God and King? If not, you need to start there, read the Bible, pray and ask God to reveal Himself and His Truths to you. If you already know Him, then ask Him to reveal to you your weaknesses and flaws. Ask Him to help you be humble and teachable. Let go of all the ideas you had about marriage and ask Him to reveal to you through His Word and Spirit how to love your spouse as He loves you.
You are the answer to why your marriage is failing. You have to be willing to make the changes and do the hard work to succeed at marriage.
1 Peter 3
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 10 For
“Whoever desires to love life
and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from speaking deceit;
11 let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
13 Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? 14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, 15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, 16 having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. 17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.
18 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, 19 in which he went and proclaimed to the spirits in prison, 20 because they formerly did not obey, when God’s patience waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was being prepared, in which a few, that is, eight persons, were brought safely through water. 21 Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, 22 who has gone into heaven and is at the right hand of God, with angels, authorities, and powers having been subjected to him.
Written by Katie
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We are Bible believing, scripture only people. We love to learn about the Hebrew roots of our faith. We believe it is important to not add or subtract from the Divine Word of God. The compiled scriptures that agree with one another and have no contradiction is the 66 books of what is commonly referred to as the Christian Bible, or the Holy Bible.
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