Written by Katie on January 10, 2022

Holy Sex part 2 (Colossians 3)

Read Colossians 3

In yesterday’s post, I wrote about premarital relationships and sex. Today, we are going to take a look at what the Bible says about sex within a marriage.

Sadly, there is not enough open discussion in the body of believers on this topic. So many marriages are in trauma mode and many end in divorce because no one helped them navigate this area of their marriage. The world has painted a picture of sex that often is just not at all what is true and healthy. Men are seen in movies as beasts who have a sexual drive that can’t be met. They are seen as rough and aggressive and that sex should be this powerful and almost brutal act. Women are often placed in scenes as seductive and sneaky, and almost secretive. Sex is painted as this passionate and “naughty” act.

This is leads men and women to be uncertain and sometimes disappointed with the reality of their sexual relationship with their spouse. It leads to being uncomfortable with speaking plainly to our spouse about what we like or dislike about the intimate moments we have together in the privacy of our bedrooms. So many marriages find themselves in a place that they never expected to be, simply because their ideas, expectations, and reality of what sex in marriage should be like are limited.

In my opinion many times these issues can be resolved with learning to be honest and out spoken with each other from the beginning of your marriage. Now, maybe your reading this and have been married many years and have just settled for how things are between your spouse and yourself in the bedroom. I want to tell you it is never to late to start being honest and create a new romance with your spouse.

So, let’s take a look at what we can learn from scripture in relationship to sex in our marriage.

First, sex is not, nor should ever be the most important part of your marriage, sex should not be what defines you as a good husband or wife. Sex is a part of marriage, it is not the center of your marriage. If you put sex and your sexual identity above your relationship with God, your spouse, and God’s people, then you need to re-evaluate your priorities and identity in Messiah.

Second, if you want to have a meaningful and loving, and passionate marriage with good sex, you must learn to care about your spouse in all areas of life. You must learn to listen and talk with your spouse about all the big and little things of life. Talk about your dreams, goals, and passions. Be honest, about your physical desires and needs, but also be honest about your spiritual and emotional needs.

For me, I find my husband the most attractive when we have had time to talk about life together. When we discuss parenting, homeschooling, homesteading, our children’s future, our future, the Bible. When we discuss and plan the week and the menu, and budget, and listen to each other. I also find it very attractive when my husband reads to our children, or does a project with them, or helps guide them in chores, and every day life. The things that bind me to my husband are the things of everyday life. When we connect in living life together daily it makes the moments we have alone even more meaningful.

No one wants to feel like a stress relief tool. No one wants to go to bed and just feel like having sex is a chore that I must complete. Men and women alike want to be desired and needed, but even a prostitute is desired and often needed. Marriage should not feel like prostitution. A husband and a wife should feel safe and loved when having sex.

When we look at scripture we see that wives are to be submissive to their husbands, and husbands are to love their wives. But, what if a spouse doesn’t think they are being loved? What if a husband doesn’t think his wife is submissive? Does that mean he can demand things from his wife? Do these passages on submission give a man the right to demand sexual acts that a woman is uncomfortable with or feels unsafe and mistreated by? Does a wife have the right to refuse her husband sex if she doesn’t think he is loving?

The answer is simple.

Husband if your wife doesn’t feel loved, you are NOT succeeding at your calling. Honestly, a wife that feels loved is going to be a lot more willing to accommodate sexual requests than one that feels dominated. Your wife is not your property, she is your bride. Treat her as Christ treats His Bride.

Wife, you do not get to decide how your spouse loves you, you are called to submit regardless of his obedience. That does not mean you have to allow any man to abuse you or mistreat you. Submission is humbling yourself in love to someone else’s authority under God. You have the right to say no, but you must do it out of a heart that desires to obey God. Let me explain how that looks by looking at our American government situation. As a citizen in America, I live under the authority of that government, that is under God’s authority. Even if the governing powers do not recognize the authority of Yehovah God, they are still under His Sovereign authority. I as a child of Yehovah, submit to His authority, and therefore, I acknowledge the authority of the governing powers of this country. Regardless, if the people in power in this country acknowledge and obey God, I must submit to their authority. Now, if the people who run this country require me to sin against God, man, or even myself, I am then not to disobey God’s law for the sake of their law. I remain submissive to the government, I try my best to work within the system of the government to obey both God and the governing authority. But, if it is not possible to do both, I quietly and humbly obey God. This is how it should be in marriage as well. I should not sin against God or man ever, including sinning against myself.

Therefore, if my husband asks or demands me to do anything that I consciously believe is sin, I must not do that which is sin. I can first calmly try and explain why I can not do what is being asked of me by my husband, and if he still demands or insists on me doing that which I believe is sin, I must humbly in submission to God and my husband refuse.

Submission does NOT mean blind obedience. Submission does not mean lay down and take a beating. Submission is recognizing Yehovah God’s sovereign authority, and those he places in authority in our lives as His will for us.

Submission is humbly trusting in Yehovah.

I want to close this post, with some words to young wives. Your husband has sexual needs. Often a husband’s sexual needs are not exactly the same as his wives. But physically we are designed to desire to come together and have sex. Our bodies need that physical release. Once a person begins to have sex, their body will desire to have that need met again and again. How often a couple has sex is different from marriage to marriage, don’t compare your self to what you hear from others, movies, or books. Rather learn to discuss openly with your husband how often he needs that need met. Never withhold sex from your spouse to be mean or as a means to get what you want from them. Sex should never be a weapon. Be honest about when you are not well enough to have sex or if you have a medical reason for not having sex. Also, learn to be creative in meeting your husband’s need for sexual release even when you may not be able to have sex.